Odd

Ever since I found out I was with child (haha) I have craved these fries every single day at 1600 or as you non-hospital people say,,,4pm. My eating habits have been pretty healthy, a lot of salads and fruit for my meals. But as for 1600, I give in to these most days I am at work. And the nasty part? I take ranch dressing mixed with ketchup and drench them in it before devouring it. the funny part? I never really liked french fries before. Just one odd thing.

Baby Retter Update

Now that I am getting a little more used to the fact that we're actually having a baby, I will post some updates and share this link with the loved ones for now. Like I've said before, I'm still not going truly public with all this, it's still a shock, but I do want to keep you all updated.

I had my first real DR. appointment today. It was really long, about two and a half hours all together. The Dr. did a lot of education and answered a lot of my questions. I was a bit worried, on Monday at work I got really dizzy in a patients room and passed out and fell! It was a very scary experience so I was glad to have a DR to ask questions to. (She said I need to eat and drink more, which is pretty obvious I guess). Being nauseated makes it hard to eat for two. One thing that really hit me hard was when the Dr. first started doing the ultrasound she just looked around for a long time, really puzzled. It looked like she couldn't see the baby. Alex and I's first instinct was that I had a miscarriage. It was during that moment that I realized that I would not have been relieved, I would have been devastated; which I think is a good indicator that I'm starting to accept this more and be more excited. But alas, the baby was found and she had a ultrasound technician come in and take lots of pictures. I'm nearly nine weeks, and the baby is due June 19th. That puts me smack dab in my third month (which is still pretty crazy considering we found out two weeks ago!) It also makes me so tired i can hardly function, pretty nauseated all the time, and dealing with other weird symptoms.

But I thought you would want to see the baby.

The little head is on the left and you can see the little body and the left arm and foot. Pretty crazy! We also saw and HEARD the heartbeat which was really really cool. But it looks SO MUCH bigger than our first ultrasound two weeks ago. You couldn't even tell that it was a baby before.

Okay, below is a picture of our fridge. The ultrasound on the bottom is from two weeks ago. That little itty bitty dot inside that black circle is the baby,... now look at the one on the right! It's so much bigger isn't it! i was shocked. Also on our fridge I have a magnet from my mother and sister in law that says "life begins at the end of your comfort zone." And oddly enough, the same day we put up that Alex had a fortune cookie that said "It's not the end yet, let's stay with it!" Haha, so we put those up there to remind us!

Did I mention that I have the most amazing supportive husband ever imaginable? He is never annoyed or short with me even though I've been nothing but freaked out ever since we found out. He has continually shared with me all the positives, and persuaded me that this is a wonderful thing. He also goes out of his way to make sure I'm comfortable, happy, and feeling good. (like right now he's at the grocery store buying ingredients so he can come home and make me some secret noodle recipe that will cure my nausea!) haha, he is the greatest, and this is all so much easier because I have him, and I know no matter what, at least the baby will have an amazing and loving father.

The last thing I'm doing for you:

I'm posing what little a little fetus is doing at this stage...cause it's pretty remarkable.

Your baby is growing like crazy during pregnancy week 9. By now, most of the aspects of your baby's physical structure, such as head, arms, legs, and torso are in place. If you were to peek in on your little one, you'd find they resemble a miniature human being (one with a very large head!). Because your baby's organs and limbs are forming, in the next few weeks, your baby will be putting on weight. Your baby's tail should have disappeared by now, and your baby's organs and muscles should be functioning on their own. It's hard to believe that something so small can function so completely, isn't it!

At 9 weeks pregnant, your baby's eyelids will fuse shut and won't open up again until your baby is about 27 weeks along. Your baby's face is becoming more distinct every day, with the mouth, nose and nostrils becoming clearly visible. Your baby's heart should have divided into four separate chambers now, as your baby swims about gleefully in his or her warm and cozy home.

LOVE YOU ALL! :)

Release

I haven't written any music in a long time. This is sad. But today I picked up Ferris (my washburn guitar) and we spent some time together. Along with many other things, I played a song I wrote a little over a year ago. It has all the elements of a good song. Good (but simple) chords, easy to follow, and maybe even catchy. But what i like about it the very most is the fact that the lyrical value means so much to me. I tried recording it today on my mac and it may have worked, but until then I'll just post the lyrics then I'll explain the lyrics, making me vulnerable, but hey, it's made me stronger :)

The song is called (drumroll please)

Release

Verse 1

You seem to think that it was easy

That's the farthest from the truth

You laid a hand against my face

Said I deserve those things you do

It was too late when I walked out

Found a way out of your arms

But your words taunt me and haunt me

You made love lose all its charm

Chorus

It hurt like hell to let it go X3 (By the way singing this sounds way cooler than reading it!)

Verse 2

You demanded silence for my future

You thought I'd just forget with time

But I still hear the sound of tearing

Tattooed on every angle of my mind

You took my innocence for ransom

THen spilled it all over the floor

Now this gift I have is tarnished

NOt worth giving anymore

Chorus

Verse 3

You were all I thought I wanted

But I had to care for my own soul

I held out longer than I should've

Loosened my grip to his control

Chorus

It hurt like hell to let you go X3

Bridge

It took three years to do it

To break these chains of ungrace

and I could have held on forever

But I'd rather be held in your embrace

Chorus

There's peace when you let it go

Outro:

You seemed to think that it was easy

That's the farthest from the truth.

I'll try to explain it really simply. There has been some crazy bad moments in my life. Some could have been prevented, some not. Verse 1 refers to one specific, but could be more than one incident where I dated a person who was incredibly hurtful during the course of the relationship, so much so that words they have said haunted me for years after, pulling apart my self esteem.

Verse 2 refers to a time in my life where I was in a severely traumatic (not preventable) one time situation that forever changed my life and my identity. I probably do not need to SAY what happened.

Verse 3 refers to a relationship I was incredibly comfortable in and was very soon heading toward marriage, but God slowly nudged my heart and told me it wasn't right (after three years). He was right. I'm now married to a different man and if I hadn't let that go and listened to God, i wouldn't have met my alex and been married to the person I KNOW i'm supposed to be with.

The point of this song is that I can hold onto these pains for as long as I want to. I have a right to use them, to make me cynical, to make me street smart, to scare people with my stories. Or I can say you know what, it's gonna hurt a hell of a lot, but i need to carefully look back on the situation, dissect how it made me feel, then just let go of it. and that's what i did back when I wrote this song. I don't say those things dont' affect me anymore, because they do, but I am not a slave to the memory.

I'll post a happier song later this week!

Wow.

So Alex and I are not sharing this news via facebook yet, cause that would simply go viral. However, on my small tiny blog, which seems more like a private journal than anything...I will share the news.

A little over a week ago, Alex and I found out we are having a baby.

This was so shocking in many ways. First of all, obviously it was not planned. In fact, I had not planned on having children until well into my 30's!

But there are other reasons this is truly shocking.

1. I don't have periods. (blunt, i know). But I have severe endometriosis and I take continuous birth control so I do not get periods at all. So how alex and I could have ever conceived a child is beyond me, him, and the Doctors.

2. My endometriosis has been severe for many years and the scar tissue has built up on my uterus. I have had three different gynocoligests tell me that if I ever want to have a baby, I will either need a lot of surgery, fertility treatments, or a mixture of both.

How we found out:

There was no period to miss. I don't get them! But Last week, I had a long dream which felt very real. In it, I found out I was pregnant. It was the scariest dream ever and sorta my worst nightmare being a new bride and all. So I woke up, rushed to the nearest drug store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Alex didn't even take it seriously because neither of us that it would ever actually be positive. But there it was, it took about half a second for the plus sign to appear. I showed alex, we were both so shocked in disbelief, i ran to the drugstore to buy a nicer one. That one was also positive, in which I fell to the bathroom floor in tears for hours.

Later that day alex and i went to a free clinic where they did a DR. pregnancy test. It was positive, and I just about freaked out. The scheduled an ultrasound for two days later to see how far it was. We got the ultrasound and actually SAW the baby. It was itty bitty and didn't look like a baby, but we could actually see it's heart beating. I found out then I was nearly SEVEN WEEKS.

Today I am eight weeks pregnant and alex and I are getting used to everything. It's so shocking still and Alex is taking it a hundred times better than me. Our parents and families know and are super excited. My mother in law and sister in law came over today and presented me with a little gift that I magneted to the fridge right over our first ultrasound. It says "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I thought this was so true. Although wanted to get my doctorate, travel, and spend many years child-less with Alex. God has different plans. And there is no doubt in my mind that this child is a miracle. We welcome God's plan with open arms as we await a brand new chapter in life.

I just ask that anyone who happens to stumble upon this little post would keep this information off of facebook for a few more months. :) thanks.