Odd

Ever since I found out I was with child (haha) I have craved these fries every single day at 1600 or as you non-hospital people say,,,4pm. My eating habits have been pretty healthy, a lot of salads and fruit for my meals. But as for 1600, I give in to these most days I am at work. And the nasty part? I take ranch dressing mixed with ketchup and drench them in it before devouring it. the funny part? I never really liked french fries before. Just one odd thing.

Baby Retter Update

Now that I am getting a little more used to the fact that we're actually having a baby, I will post some updates and share this link with the loved ones for now. Like I've said before, I'm still not going truly public with all this, it's still a shock, but I do want to keep you all updated.

I had my first real DR. appointment today. It was really long, about two and a half hours all together. The Dr. did a lot of education and answered a lot of my questions. I was a bit worried, on Monday at work I got really dizzy in a patients room and passed out and fell! It was a very scary experience so I was glad to have a DR to ask questions to. (She said I need to eat and drink more, which is pretty obvious I guess). Being nauseated makes it hard to eat for two. One thing that really hit me hard was when the Dr. first started doing the ultrasound she just looked around for a long time, really puzzled. It looked like she couldn't see the baby. Alex and I's first instinct was that I had a miscarriage. It was during that moment that I realized that I would not have been relieved, I would have been devastated; which I think is a good indicator that I'm starting to accept this more and be more excited. But alas, the baby was found and she had a ultrasound technician come in and take lots of pictures. I'm nearly nine weeks, and the baby is due June 19th. That puts me smack dab in my third month (which is still pretty crazy considering we found out two weeks ago!) It also makes me so tired i can hardly function, pretty nauseated all the time, and dealing with other weird symptoms.

But I thought you would want to see the baby.

The little head is on the left and you can see the little body and the left arm and foot. Pretty crazy! We also saw and HEARD the heartbeat which was really really cool. But it looks SO MUCH bigger than our first ultrasound two weeks ago. You couldn't even tell that it was a baby before.

Okay, below is a picture of our fridge. The ultrasound on the bottom is from two weeks ago. That little itty bitty dot inside that black circle is the baby,... now look at the one on the right! It's so much bigger isn't it! i was shocked. Also on our fridge I have a magnet from my mother and sister in law that says "life begins at the end of your comfort zone." And oddly enough, the same day we put up that Alex had a fortune cookie that said "It's not the end yet, let's stay with it!" Haha, so we put those up there to remind us!

Did I mention that I have the most amazing supportive husband ever imaginable? He is never annoyed or short with me even though I've been nothing but freaked out ever since we found out. He has continually shared with me all the positives, and persuaded me that this is a wonderful thing. He also goes out of his way to make sure I'm comfortable, happy, and feeling good. (like right now he's at the grocery store buying ingredients so he can come home and make me some secret noodle recipe that will cure my nausea!) haha, he is the greatest, and this is all so much easier because I have him, and I know no matter what, at least the baby will have an amazing and loving father.

The last thing I'm doing for you:

I'm posing what little a little fetus is doing at this stage...cause it's pretty remarkable.

Your baby is growing like crazy during pregnancy week 9. By now, most of the aspects of your baby's physical structure, such as head, arms, legs, and torso are in place. If you were to peek in on your little one, you'd find they resemble a miniature human being (one with a very large head!). Because your baby's organs and limbs are forming, in the next few weeks, your baby will be putting on weight. Your baby's tail should have disappeared by now, and your baby's organs and muscles should be functioning on their own. It's hard to believe that something so small can function so completely, isn't it!

At 9 weeks pregnant, your baby's eyelids will fuse shut and won't open up again until your baby is about 27 weeks along. Your baby's face is becoming more distinct every day, with the mouth, nose and nostrils becoming clearly visible. Your baby's heart should have divided into four separate chambers now, as your baby swims about gleefully in his or her warm and cozy home.

LOVE YOU ALL! :)

Release

I haven't written any music in a long time. This is sad. But today I picked up Ferris (my washburn guitar) and we spent some time together. Along with many other things, I played a song I wrote a little over a year ago. It has all the elements of a good song. Good (but simple) chords, easy to follow, and maybe even catchy. But what i like about it the very most is the fact that the lyrical value means so much to me. I tried recording it today on my mac and it may have worked, but until then I'll just post the lyrics then I'll explain the lyrics, making me vulnerable, but hey, it's made me stronger :)

The song is called (drumroll please)

Release

Verse 1

You seem to think that it was easy

That's the farthest from the truth

You laid a hand against my face

Said I deserve those things you do

It was too late when I walked out

Found a way out of your arms

But your words taunt me and haunt me

You made love lose all its charm

Chorus

It hurt like hell to let it go X3 (By the way singing this sounds way cooler than reading it!)

Verse 2

You demanded silence for my future

You thought I'd just forget with time

But I still hear the sound of tearing

Tattooed on every angle of my mind

You took my innocence for ransom

THen spilled it all over the floor

Now this gift I have is tarnished

NOt worth giving anymore

Chorus

Verse 3

You were all I thought I wanted

But I had to care for my own soul

I held out longer than I should've

Loosened my grip to his control

Chorus

It hurt like hell to let you go X3

Bridge

It took three years to do it

To break these chains of ungrace

and I could have held on forever

But I'd rather be held in your embrace

Chorus

There's peace when you let it go

Outro:

You seemed to think that it was easy

That's the farthest from the truth.

I'll try to explain it really simply. There has been some crazy bad moments in my life. Some could have been prevented, some not. Verse 1 refers to one specific, but could be more than one incident where I dated a person who was incredibly hurtful during the course of the relationship, so much so that words they have said haunted me for years after, pulling apart my self esteem.

Verse 2 refers to a time in my life where I was in a severely traumatic (not preventable) one time situation that forever changed my life and my identity. I probably do not need to SAY what happened.

Verse 3 refers to a relationship I was incredibly comfortable in and was very soon heading toward marriage, but God slowly nudged my heart and told me it wasn't right (after three years). He was right. I'm now married to a different man and if I hadn't let that go and listened to God, i wouldn't have met my alex and been married to the person I KNOW i'm supposed to be with.

The point of this song is that I can hold onto these pains for as long as I want to. I have a right to use them, to make me cynical, to make me street smart, to scare people with my stories. Or I can say you know what, it's gonna hurt a hell of a lot, but i need to carefully look back on the situation, dissect how it made me feel, then just let go of it. and that's what i did back when I wrote this song. I don't say those things dont' affect me anymore, because they do, but I am not a slave to the memory.

I'll post a happier song later this week!

Wow.

So Alex and I are not sharing this news via facebook yet, cause that would simply go viral. However, on my small tiny blog, which seems more like a private journal than anything...I will share the news.

A little over a week ago, Alex and I found out we are having a baby.

This was so shocking in many ways. First of all, obviously it was not planned. In fact, I had not planned on having children until well into my 30's!

But there are other reasons this is truly shocking.

1. I don't have periods. (blunt, i know). But I have severe endometriosis and I take continuous birth control so I do not get periods at all. So how alex and I could have ever conceived a child is beyond me, him, and the Doctors.

2. My endometriosis has been severe for many years and the scar tissue has built up on my uterus. I have had three different gynocoligests tell me that if I ever want to have a baby, I will either need a lot of surgery, fertility treatments, or a mixture of both.

How we found out:

There was no period to miss. I don't get them! But Last week, I had a long dream which felt very real. In it, I found out I was pregnant. It was the scariest dream ever and sorta my worst nightmare being a new bride and all. So I woke up, rushed to the nearest drug store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Alex didn't even take it seriously because neither of us that it would ever actually be positive. But there it was, it took about half a second for the plus sign to appear. I showed alex, we were both so shocked in disbelief, i ran to the drugstore to buy a nicer one. That one was also positive, in which I fell to the bathroom floor in tears for hours.

Later that day alex and i went to a free clinic where they did a DR. pregnancy test. It was positive, and I just about freaked out. The scheduled an ultrasound for two days later to see how far it was. We got the ultrasound and actually SAW the baby. It was itty bitty and didn't look like a baby, but we could actually see it's heart beating. I found out then I was nearly SEVEN WEEKS.

Today I am eight weeks pregnant and alex and I are getting used to everything. It's so shocking still and Alex is taking it a hundred times better than me. Our parents and families know and are super excited. My mother in law and sister in law came over today and presented me with a little gift that I magneted to the fridge right over our first ultrasound. It says "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I thought this was so true. Although wanted to get my doctorate, travel, and spend many years child-less with Alex. God has different plans. And there is no doubt in my mind that this child is a miracle. We welcome God's plan with open arms as we await a brand new chapter in life.

I just ask that anyone who happens to stumble upon this little post would keep this information off of facebook for a few more months. :) thanks.

Pottery Creations

This summer I started doing some pottery again. I will hopefully add more creations later. But here are some of my favorites.

These small precious desert plates were so fun to make. And so easy.

1. use dark clay and roll out a slab

2. Find a flat circular object of whatever size plate you want and cut into the slab

3. Make sure that they are not too thick or thin, just the right size for a plate

4. Find something that has a texture you like. This is where you get to be creative. Either stamp it in or use a rolling pin and (gently) roll the texture onto the clay.

5. Make sure the sides are thick enough all around the plate.

6. Let dry for a few days before heating in the kiln.

7. Color with high glosses, to fall into the textures and come out in different types of shades.

8. Kiln again, and you're done! You have these marvelous little plates! :)

Enjoy!

In regards to this serving dish and coffee cups (I did not make the cups!) My sister Jaci did.

She is far better at pottery than I, as she has been doing it far longer. But I am proud of the little tray that I use to keep the cups on right next to our coffee maker.

1. Roll out a flat slab (thicker this time)

2. Cut out the size of the tray you want.

3. Shape the edges to however you want it, flat or curvy (like mine above).

4. Take small pieces of newspapers and stick it into the curvy parts, to ensure it dries with that form/shape.

5. Glaze how you desire, i thought three different colours would look great, and i do really like it!

This plaque is made in a very similar fashion as what has been talked about before.

I saw a plaque like this hanging in Mrs. Euler's room (the pottery teacher) and wanted one for our bar as well.

It says "Everyone you meet is in a war, be kind." An amazing quote that I thought fit the philosophy i try so hard to live by.

To do this, roll out a slab

Find a circle shape and cut it out. Make sure it's thick. Atleast an inch-and-a half.

Use either stamps or an exacto knife to make letters or drawings.

Glaze letters and drawings with a separate glaze then the rest of the plaque.

I did not make anything to hang this by. instead I just bought a small wooden easel from Ikea ($1) and it sits on our mantel. Love it!

This last one is super easy! Basically the same thing as the circle plaque.

Flat slab and punch in the letters. Couldn't be easier than that.

"Don't make love by the garden gate, love may be blind, but the neighbors ain't"

but alex's aunt recently told me "Do it anyway, the neighbor's are bored!" (wow!) haha

Anyway enjoy and happy crafting!

~Rae

Welcome to our Bar!!! (Before and After Pictures!)

Marcella

So I found an old journal entry I wrote my Senior year of nursing school. After a hard day as a real graduated RN, it was so good to read this. I know I will have hard days, but I was right about it then and I'm still right about it now.

Here's the journal entry....

Today was such a beautiful day at clinical. God taught me so much. I had two patients today. I had a 62 year old man with cirrhosis of the liver due to alcohol abuse and a 68 year old woman with COPD.
In med-surg clinical we as nursing students live for what new tasks we get to do. We hope for a patient who has some sort of procedure that we haven’t done yet so we can do it and learn from it. When everyone gets home from this clinical people ask, “did you put in a catheter,” “did you irrigate a wound dressing?” “How bout NG tubes, did you get to work with those?” There are countless numbers of things to do on medical surgical units, and it becomes our goal and obsession to become exposed to every piece of it. It becomes very easy to become task-oriented instead of people-oriented.
Today God taught me a lesson about this. I was able to perform several tasks alone today. I did two full assessments, helped with physical therapy, assessed ascites in an abdomen, work with abdominal ultrasounds, perform a bladder scan, adjust SCD boots, and other things too. By task-orientated standards I had a very good day.
But that was not what made this day beautiful. But there was something that made this day beautiful. The conversations and time I spent with my patients. I had two very different patients; however both were suffering from chronic diseases that would surely end both of their lives. Talking to my patient with cirrhosis was such a blessing! He was such a goofy man, and also a major abuser of alcohol. But going into his room with a completely non-judgmental attitude was incredibly rewarding. It only took about five minutes for me to warm up to him and for him to understand that I didn’t care why he was sick, what mistakes he made, or whether or not the disease was “his fault.” And I didn’t care. He was MY patient. And more importantly, he is GOD’s child. A man with a bad attitude soon turned warm and precious when I brought up the topic of baseball. We talked about the cubs and the cardinals for a good twenty minutes. I had others things I could have been doing, more important health matters to discuss, but at the moment, I thought the smile on his face was worth denying everything else. Through this man I learned that simple conversation is sometimes the most therapeutic. Patients with cirrhosis are often treated badly because they drink excessive amounts of often still do as their disease progresses. He was one of these patients. He shared with me how much he drank, and how he had no plans to stop. Instead of preaching or throwing health statistics at him, I just listened. I nodded my head a lot and smiled until my face hurt while he talked about funny bar fights he had gotten into. He knew what was making him sick; I didn’t need to tell him that. I simply needed to be there for him and listen like a friend. And he appreciated it so much.
Then there was my sweet Marcella. This beautiful, patient, and sweet client with COPD. She had COPD for smoking excessively since she was a teenager. Multiple packs a day. I was able to walk into her room with the biggest smile on my face even though I knew her prognosis was so awful. She was able to joke and laugh with me. And I really enjoyed it. I didn’t view it as a job, but more like a privilege to be able to talk to this beautiful woman.
As my fellow student nurses rushed up and down the halls looking for new jobs to do or procedures to take part in, I stayed in Marcella’s room. I rubbed her back as she shared cooking recipes with me. I listened to her heart and lungs while she proceeded to tell me stories about her granddaughter. I sat on a chair near her bed and became completely captivated in this woman.
So, the most beautiful and wonderful part of my last day at clinical? It wasn’t an invasive procedure or inserting IVs. It wasn’t taking patients to get lab work done or thinking critically to evaluate therapeutic ranges of medications.

It was washing Marcella’s hair.

I cry as I write this, because i mean that with all my heart. After I had done all my nursing tasks on Marcella I asked her if she wanted to get cleaned up. She nodded her head and told me that she has to sit on a chair and get a sponge bath because her COPD is too bad to take a shower. She rolled her eyes and said, “I just wish I could go home so I could wash my hair, it’s been over a week and I haven’t been able to wash my hair.” Her eyes looked so sad. “It’s such a small thing, and I hate to complain about it, but it just feels awful. But don’t worry, I’ll go home soon enough, and then I can get somebody to wash it.” You see, COPD patients are difficult. They have oxygen tanks attached to them and they wear out so easily. Washing a COPD patient’s hair is not exactly difficult, but it takes time that most nurses don’t have. It isn’t saving a life, so it becomes something that is at the bottom of the list and overlooked.

“Well Marcella,” I said, “I am going to wash your hair today.” Her face glowed and her eyes lit up. She leaned toward me. “You have time for that?...you would do that for me?”

“Of course,” I said. “We will just need to be creative. But I am going to wash your hair today, and comb it and make it look beautiful.” Her smile was so big it hurt me to even look at it.

I gathered up some materials and made a basin of water and soap in the sink. I helped Marcella to the chair and set up her oxygen nearby. I grabbed a friend to hold a basin behind her head so she wouldn’t have to go into the shower or stand up. I took small drinking glasses and filled them with warm water. I covered her eyes with one hand and slowly poured the water over her hair. I touched her forehead and fought to keep water off of her face. I grabbed baby shampoo and started putting on her hair. As my fingers stroked back and forth against the oiliest hair I had every felt, I heard Marcella sigh. “I can already smell it, it smells so good.”

I rinsed her hair and dried her off. I gently combed through it and styled it in just the way she wanted. I told her how beautiful she looked, and I really, really, meant it. She looked so beautiful. As I looked into her deep grey eyes, I felt tears forming in mine. I was looking into the face of the one that Jesus loved. I didn’t see a patient, an old woman, or a task. I saw what Jesus saw. I saw the most beautiful person on the face of the planet.

I helped her back into bed and she expressed to me how grateful she was. I hugged her and held her tight, telling her it was my pleasure to serve her.

I thought about this experience. As a nurse, what is our job? Is it to save lives? Prolong life? Treat ailments? I don’t think it is. I think our job is just simply to love. Love deeply and love with humility. After three years of nursing school, washing hair doesn’t seem that exciting. But it was what she needed. It was the greatest thing I could do for her to show her love. And isn’t that my job? Whether through conversation or actions, to be continually not only assessing for disease, but being assessing for ways to show the utmost love to my patient? The act was simple. But the lesson was great. There is no job that is too small. There is always an opportunity for me to humble myself and be a servant. Sometimes the smallest of acts show the greatest of love.

Another student came in at the end of shift with me and asked Marcella how she was doing.
“This little nursing student washed my dirty disgusting hair today. Look how clean and beautiful it looks! Being with this student was like seeing a little piece of heaven.”

I smiled as I fought back the tears, knowing deep down for me, being with her was like seeing the whole thing.